Posted on by lgandre

A Year Ago, at Christmas (Part 4)

Julia did not sleep, however. She did not sleep at all.  Her mind raced circles through life, looking for clues as to what was going on.  She didn’t want to believe Stuart was lying to her, but it was hard to conclude otherwise.  She felt guilty for not being a good wife.  She felt angry for being betrayed.  She felt bad about doubting him.  She felt foolish for believing. 

She refused to completely believe the worst; but she could not ignore that it was staring her in the face.  It did seem like Stuart was hiding something.  She knew him well enough to know that something was a bit off.

It was a long, long night.  She heard every tick of the wall clock.  Every dong of the hour.  She tried not to think about Olivia’s engaging smile and her cute, active kids.

Stuart slipped out early once again; but this time, Julia was up immediately upon hearing the door click.  She didn’t know what to do, but she could not lie by herself in the dark even a minute longer.

She went to their bedroom…still looking for clues.   She saw nothing except Stuart’s Bible—open by his bedside.  He read it every morning; no matter how early he had to leave.  Next to it was a small Advent Bible study.  Stuart had suggested they do it together, but Julia had never felt like waking early enough.

She glanced at today’s reading.  Isaiah 7:14, “Therefore, the Lord Himself will give you a sign: the virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and will call him Immanuel” (which means ‘God with us’).  This verse, written seven hundred years before Christ, was then mirrored in the Gospels, Matthew 1:23, “The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel” (which means ‘God with us’).

The devotional went on to talk about Jesus, the Son of God, being God’s presence with us.  It ended with Jesus’ words at the very end of Matthew, “Lo, I am with you always…”

Julia took a deep breath, but for once, she did not burst into tears.  Immanuel.  He was with her. Always. Julia felt an unusual sense of peace and continued to chew on that verse as she took a shower and went through the motions of getting ready for the day.  She had nowhere to go; but she had to do something, and this was a start. 

Somehow, in the next eight hours, she needed to figure out what to say and do when he got home that night.  And all she had was one, very difficult set of facts. Suddenly, that was not enough. They were always telling Olivia to call if she needed anything. Maybe she had had an emergency. She picked up her phone again.  She would not wait eight hours; She was just going to call him back and ask him.

But the phone was already ringing.

“Julia!”

“Oh, hi!  It’s Carrie.  Hey, I just wanted to say thanks again for last night.”

“Oh, you’re welcome.  I was happy to do it.”

“I know it wasn’t easy…and, I didn’t tell you this, but Ryan and Elizabeth are coming home tonight and Elizabeth is bringing her new boyfriend.  I had no clue how I was going to get everything done before they got here.  I haven’t wrapped a single gift…I haven’t even made a menu for Christmas dinner…and I really wanted to be able to spend some time with Rick…so…you were a godsend.” 

Julia could hear Malachi screaming in the background.

“You know, why don’t you let me come over again and help you some this morning?  I can watch the little guy while you grocery shop or wrap presents…or whatever you need.”

“Oh, Julia!  I didn’t call to ask…I really just called to thank you.”

“Well, it sounds like you could use a little help and I’m free for a bit.

“I-I-Honestly…that would be amazing.  Olivia has been helping me out some, but you know she and her kids went down to spend the week with her parents.  I’ve missed her help for sure…this little guy isn’t giving me a break.”

“Olivia is out of town?  Olivia Green?”

“Oh yes, her parents are in New Jersey or something so she drove down to be with them over Christmas break.  We’ve been feeding their hamsters until they get back.  That is, we are supposed to be feeding them. Last night, right in the middle of the concert, I realized I forgot for the last two days!  I was so sure they would die on our watch that I couldn’t stand it.  That’s why Rick was texting Stuart in the middle of the concert.  He said he would swing by there on his way home.  We knew he was someone Eric wouldn’t mind having the door code.  It’s so nice having friends and neighbors we can trust…that’s the beauty of this community…”

Carrie was still talking but Julia had heard what she needed to hear.  Olivia was out of town.  Stuart was at the Greens feeding hamsters. 

Tears.  More tears.  But this time, they were the gentle tears of relief.  Julia sank back onto the couch in disbelief.  What a crazy roller coaster the last twenty-four hours had been.  It was seared in her mind and already a blur at the same time.  All this drama because of screaming babies and hamsters.

Her phone buzzed a few times and then rang.

“Hey, honey.”  Stuart’s voice seemed happy.

“H-hi!”  She didn’t know how to respond.

“So sorry I missed you last night.  I was tied up until late.  But the good news is, I think we’re pretty much wrapped up with the project.  I should be home at the normal time today.”

“Okay.”  Julia had never been good with words; but at this moment, she was so far at a loss that she didn’t even try.

“You alright?”

“Well…just…didn’t sleep…well….”

“I’m so sorry.”  His voice was kind.   “I’ve missed you.”

“Missed you too.” 

“Sorry, it was even later than I thought last night. Rick asked me to go by the Green’s. Then, I talked to Eric on the way over and he asked me to double check and make sure Olivia got all the pipes drained before she left town. It’s supposed to be getting even colder these next few days and he doesn’t want her to come home to busted pipes.”

“I understand.” She choked. “No worries. Glad we could help them out.”

“Love you.” 

Julia was still exhausted and in something of a fog, but she left light and free as she once again stood knocking on the door again at Carrie’s.  It felt a little like déjà vu, holding the screaming, struggling Malachi again.  “Remember,” she crooned to him, “we talked about this.  You’re fed.  You’re changed.  You’re loved.  Life is good.  You have no need to cry.” 

Malachi screamed on.

“You’re a slow learner,” she told him–noting the irony of a 32-year-old saying that to an eight-week old.   Yesterday, she had been reminded of how good her life was; all the things she had to be thankful for.  But it had not been enough.  She had focused on the things that made her feel safe and secure.  Then she had learned those things could change in an instant.

This morning, she had been reminded of the truth.  The real gift of Christmas.  The fact that God came down to be with us.  Not for a moment.  Not even for a few years.  But always— even to the end of the age.  No one and no circumstance could take that away.  The knowledge that God was with her changed nothing; and at the same time, it changed everything.

She didn’t have to have it all planned out; and she didn’t have to kick and scream against the plan God had made for her.

Eventually, Malachi slept and Julia and Carrie were sprawled on the floor wrapping a pile of gifts.

“This is terrible.”  Carrie laughed.  “Every year I tell myself I’m going to scale back the next year…well…here we are.  But when your kids only come home once in a while it changes things.  There’s nothing like feeling like you’re losing something to make you appreciate it.  You know what I mean?”

Julia did know what she meant. 

“What are you guys doing for Christmas?”

Julia shrugged.  “I didn’t make any plans this year.  My parents are in California with my sister’s family.  We don’t typically get together at Christmas.  Stuart’s parents invited us to celebrate with them in St. Augustine but…it’s so expensive to travel and we didn’t know how I would be feeling.”

Carrie nodded sympathetically.  Julia felt a twinge of guilt.  Stuart’s parents had offered to pay for them to fly down to Florida for Christmas.  The real reason Julia had said “no” was prideful and petty:  She didn’t want to accept their charity; and she didn’t want to be the only couple present without kids.  She had given a definite no and Stuart had delivered the news to his parents graciously. They seemed to understand.

By midafternoon, Carrie looked around with a happy sigh.  “We did it, girl!  Time for me to leave for the airport and I think this place looks pretty welcoming, don’t you?”

“I hope you have a great time!”  Julia beamed.  “And let me know if you need me to…a…feed the hamsters or anything.”

Carrie laughed.  “Thank you, Julia.  You don’t know what a gift you’ve been,” she said, meaning it.

“You don’t know what a gift you’ve been,” Julia replied.  Meaning it right back. Meaning it even more.

——

Julia had just lighted a candle on their own table when Stuart walked in the door.

“I have dinner ready!” she announced, but he seemed more excited about an announcement of his own.

“I have a surprise for you!”  He was beaming.

“Oh?”  Julia was surprised already.

“We’re going to Woodstock!”

“W-w-what?”  Julia had definitely not seen this coming.

“Yes, it’s only about five hours.  We’ll go tomorrow morning and stay the night at the Woodstock Inn.”

“Stuart…are you serious?  That place has to be booked months in advance.  Especially at Christmas.”  Julia knew all about it from last year’s intense planning.

He was grinning like a kid.  “You’re not the only planner in the family, you know.”

“But…the money?”

“Don’t worry.  I told you I was working late this week…and I have been.  But not on base.  I’ve been helping with a bathroom remodel on the side so I could pay for this.”

Julia hadn’t seen him this happy in a long time, so she smiled too.  “Let’s go!”

Come back tomorrow for the fifth and final installment of “A Year Ago, at Christmas.”

Posted on by lgandre

A Year Ago, at Christmas (Part 3)

Woodstock, Vermont at Christmas

This is part 3…if you missed 1 and 2, click here to read the beginning.

At five a clock, Julia was standing on Carrie’s doorstep.  She knocked softly when she saw the sign that said, “Sleeping baby.  Please do not ring the bell!”

But even a moment of experience told her that there was no sleeping baby and that a soft knock was going to get her nowhere.  Screaming and wailing was emanating from inside at a terrifying decibel level.  Julia thought about jumping back in her Subaru.  But alas, the concert tickets.

Julia knocked, rang, and finally called Carrie’s phone.

When Carrie appeared, she was barefoot but impeccably clad in a classy, black, knee length dress with flowing sleeves.  Her hair was twisted up on her head beautifully—quite a transformation from the Door Dash in blue jeans earlier that morning.

“So sorry!”  Carrie was warm and apologetic.  He just woke up and he’s…he’s…he’s…

“Screaming,”  Julia finished for her.

“Yes, I was trying to think of a nicer word.  Hungry, maybe?”

Carrie quickly showed Julia around…The changing table…the formula…the pajamas…the swing…all the ways they tried to keep him entertained. 

“It doesn’t work…he basically has two modes, sleep and scream.  But we keep trying.”

Julia nodded but was secretly convinced that she could get him to be happy.

“Sorry about the house.”  Carrie apologized as they finished.  “I wasn’t expecting to get another child right now—especially an infant.  As you can see, I was just about to decorate for Christmas when they called and I’ve never gotten back to it.”

Julia did see.  Red tubs were stacked in the hallway.  A few decorations were strewn here and there.

“As Rick says, I have a hard time saying ‘no’.  But this one has definitely given us a run for our money.  They just can’t seem to be able to find someone else for him at Christmas.”

“That’s okay.”  Julia was really trying to reassure herself.  “Don’t worry about your house; You have a lot on your plate.”

“I do…and that’s why I really want this evening to be special.  Rick puts up with so much of my nonsense.  He hasn’t had a decent night’s sleep in three weeks.”

Julia nodded.  “Go on and finish getting ready.   I’ll get him fed.”

“Would you?  That would be so awesome.  Rick’s supposed to be picking me up any minute.”

Malachi screamed as Julia changed his wet diaper.  He screamed as she mixed and warmed the formula.  He screamed as she offered him the bottle.  He screamed between anxious sips.  He seemed hungry, but didn’t want to stop screaming even to eat.

Julia waived Carrie out the door, sat in the rocker, and crooned to the wriggling, crying creature in her lap.   He would stop for a moment and she would sigh with relief only to find that he was just recharging his batteries to scream some more.

No wonder the babysitter had called in sick.  No wonder none of her other friends could watch this little guy “so close to Christmas.”  No wonder poor Rick needed an evening out.  This powerful set of lungs that, by all rights, should secure him a lead role as an opera singer somewhere.  No microphone needed.

Julia rocked him.  She walked with him.  She bounced him.

It made no difference.  He cried on.

He was changed.  He was fed.  He was in a warm, dry house.  He was held close by tender arms.  But the unhappy little guy wormed and wiggled, kicked and screamed.  Julia had never experienced anything like it.

It was only 5:30.

Julia mustered all of the mother instinct she could and started talking to the little guy.  When she ran out of small talk, she began to tell him all her troubles.    She explained all about the cancer, the treatments, the medicines, the side effects, the loneliness, the depression.

Perhaps he was sympathetic, but if so, he didn’t show it.  Then she heard herself say, “Malachi, you remind me of myself.  You’re acting like I’ve been acting.”

The revelation was transformative for Julia.  She continued.

“I’m cared for.  I’m fed.  I have clean clothes.  A warm roof over my head.  A loving husband.  A kind family.  But I don’t like my circumstances.  And I’m being a pill.  I’m miserable.  And I’m making everyone around me miserable.”

Somehow, expressing that out loud brought a flood of release.  Even Malachi seemed to sense it.  Or perhaps exhaustion was taking over his tiny frame.  His cries were weakening into a fitful sleep.

Julia continued to hold him and rock, thinking about what she had just said aloud.  She was loved.  She had received excellent health care.  She had a warm, safe place to live.  She had good food to eat.  She had a beautiful life with the man of her dreams.  Why was she acting like a screaming infant?  Why was she putting Stuart, of all people, through such misery?  When had she last thanked Stuart for standing with her through this traumatic year?

When Julia had rocked a long time, and when her soul had found a place of peace, she gently laid Malachi back in his crib.   It was only 6:30.  She tried to call Stuart.  There was no answer so she left him a quick message.

“Hope you’re having a good evening! Love you!”  she said in the happiest voice she had used in a long, long time.

The sudden calm sparked something else inside her.  Her years of babysitting were replaying in her mind.  Not only did the kids love her best, the parents did too.  She prided herself in never letting parents come home to a messy house.

She began to load the dishwasher.  She folded a mountain of laundry and started more.  She swept the floor and wiped the counters.  Then she eyed the stack of tubs and the untrimmed tree.  Did she dare?

She dared.

It was a pre-lit, fake tree and the lights were the soft gold color she liked so much.  She laughed as she thought about how disappointed she had been with the stark white lights.  Why had she made such a big deal about that?  Stuart deserved a medal for putting up with her.  Quickly, the tree came to life with a bucket of red, blue, and silver bulbs.  She found a spool of silver ribbon and began to twist it around and around.  An enormous red bow made the perfect crown on the top.

Julia felt the best she had felt since…she couldn’t remember when.  She found herself humming softly and even started playing some soft Christmas music on her phone.  She pranced…maybe even danced a few steps.

She was surprised Stuart hadn’t called back, so she sent him a quick text.  “Sorry about earlier.  I know you’re trying.  I love you.” 

Julia was exhausted but happy when Rick and Carrie pulled into the driveway.  They thanked her again and again, glancing around the orderly home, illuminated by the glow of the tree.  Carrie even had a tear or two in her eyes.  Stockings were hanging over the fireplace and the table was set with candles and garland.

Rick pressed some cash into Carrie’s hand.  She tried to refuse, but they insisted.

Even though she was tired, Julia decided to take the long way home, around the block.  There were a lot of young families in the officer housing and many had their houses decorated with lights and blow up yard ornaments.  She had yet to go out to see them.

She was humming softly to herself as she turned the corner.  Then something caught her eye.

It was Stuart’s truck. 

Stuart’s truck was parked in Eric and Olivia Green’s driveway.  Eric, she knew, was deployed.  Only Olivia would be home.  It was 10:15 pm.  There was only one soft light on that she could see; everything else was dark and still. 

The joy that she had permitted back into her life began escaping like air from a bike tire punctured by a nail.  Why?  Why would Stuart be at Olivia’s house?  Why would he lie to her about working late?  Why…just when she was starting to feel good again…this?

Julia stumbled into her house and sank onto the couch.  It seemed as if she was going to lose Stuart too.  The only thing she had left.

She looked up at the tree they had decorated together only the night before. 

The porcelain ornament she had admired was illuminated by the ultra-white lights.  The smiling face seemed to be taunting her.  The photo told the fake story.  The staged version.  In real life, there had been a large, messy splat. 

Perhaps, in that moment, one year ago, she should have been a little less confident and a little more cautious.  She remembered lying on that bridge, tangled in her dress, with the white fur cape choking her under the chin for an unfortunate moment.  She had that choking feeling again. This time, she was not laughing.

She wasn’t sure how long she sat there before she heard Stuart’s truck pull up outside.  She didn’t know what to do, but she knew she couldn’t face him.  Quickly, she grabbed a blanket, curled up, and pretended to be asleep.

Check back soon for part 4.