Posted on by lgandre

A Year Ago, at Christmas (Part 5)

Missed the beginning? Click here.

Woodstock, Vermont at Christmas
A Year Ago, at Christmas

The two did not exactly spring out of bed early on Christmas Eve.  Stuart was exhausted from his 16-hour work days and Julia still had catching up from her sleepless night.

But by mid morning, Julia’s Subaru was making it’s way out of the neighborhood.  Julia chuckled at all the deflated blowups that littered the neighborhood lawns.  “It’s like Christmas threw up in the officer housing,”  Stuart joked.

The five-hour car ride to Woodstock was slightly awkward.  Julia could see that despite Stuart’s enthusiasm, he was still a bit nervous.  It had been a long time since they had tried to do something not related to her illness.  And for her part, even though Julia’s fear of the worst had passed, she still felt keenly the distance between them and the rawness of the terrible twelve hours she had lived only a short time ago. 

But soon, Stuart was telling her about the remodel he had done and she got to see pictures on his phone.  Julia told Stuart about little screaming Malachi and how she had helped Carrie get ready for their family festivities.

“Didn’t you used to say she intimidated you?”  Stuart asked.

“Yes…well…not anymore.  I am still impressed with her though.  I don’t know many women who could handle that much screaming and not lose their minds.”

“Or men.”

“Yeah, I don’t know any men who could,” Julia said teasingly.

“Well…you’re not wrong.”

“I’d be open to doing foster care one day.”  Julia kept her eyes on the road; not sure whether she dared read the expression on Stuart’s face at that.

“I’m listening,” he said finally.

And Julia found herself continuing.  “It’s funny, as I held that little guy and felt him squirm and kick and scream, it taught me something.  I saw myself in a whole new way…”

Stuart truly was listening.  It felt so good to communicate about something besides doctors and medical bills.  “He taught me something, in fact.  Probably sounds silly…but the first day I was there I just saw how he cried and cried; so unhappy with his life even though all his needs really were being met.  I thought about you…how you’ve held me through it all.  You’ve been there each step of the way.  You’ve been patient with all my mood swings.  You’ve loved me in sweat pants and no make up.  You haven’t complained when we’ve had to spend your hard-earned money on traveling to Boston for second opinions…I realized how thankful I was for you.”

“It was nothing.”  Stuart replied in a husky voice that Julia knew was attempting to cover tears of his own.

“But then…I don’t know if I should tell you this part…”

“Tell me.”

“Then I was leaving the Grimsley’s house around ten or so.  For no real reason, I decided to drive around the long way back to the house.”  Julia still hesitated.  “And I saw…your truck.”

They both were silent for a moment.  She could see he was absorbing what she was saying.

“I saw your truck at the Greens.  I knew Eric was gone; but I didn’t know—”

“Olivia was out of town.”

“Right.  The only thing I could think of was that you were lying to me—”

“Why didn’t you ask?”  Eric seemed slightly irritated.  “Surely, you know I wouldn’t lie to you.  I was only there a few minutes.”

“You hadn’t been answering your phone.”

There was silence again.  Julia wasn’t sure if she should regret telling him or be glad it was done.  She did feel like saying it to him had brought her a sense of relief.

But once it sunk in, Stuart seemed to understand.  “I didn’t answer my phone because I was so determined to surprise you.  I was afraid you were going to start asking questions and I didn’t want to have to lie.”

It felt so good to be talking again.

He continued.  “I know you’ve been through a lot this year; I wanted to make Christmas special.  Get you to a different setting where you didn’t have to think about…things.”

“To your credit, even though the facts looked bad; and even though my mind was running away with things; I couldn’t quite believe it.  And what’s more, I didn’t want to believe it.  There’s nothing like feeling like you’re losing something to make you appreciate it.”  She echoed Julia’s words from earlier.

“Boy, don’t I know.”  Stuart looked at Julia with a tenderness in his eyes that made her fall in love all over again. 

There is nothing as wonderful as falling in love with the man you’re already married to, she realized.  Nothing.

There was silence for a moment and then Stuart talked.

“I was feeling pretty low that night too.  We weren’t talking much—maybe I shouldn’t have tried so hard to keep a secret.  It was all I could think about and I didn’t want to blow it.  But anyway…I couldn’t talk to you.  Eric’s gone.  Most of the guys on base lead pretty different lives…we talk some, but it isn’t the same.”

Julia nodded.

“And this may seem childish to you…but I was really missing my family.  Christmas was always a huge deal at our house.  We would always have a pickleball tournament—Dad and Mom would buy the winner a new pair of tennis shoes.  Brian and I would get pretty cutthroat.”  He laughed, then continued.  “Mom would made prime rib and Aunt Sally would bring a chocolate cake that’s just out of this world.”

Julia reached for his hand.  Stuart had never told her this.

“I missed last Christmas because of our engagement.  And the two years before that because I was deployed.  I feel like my nephews and nieces are growing up and I’m missing it.  You know?  I want to be the fun uncle.  Especially since…”  he drifted off and Julia knew what he was thinking.  She gave his hand a squeeze to make sure he knew it was okay to keep talking.  But he didn’t finish.

“Next year,”  she said, “next year, we will go spend Christmas with your family.”  But then she caught herself.  “Actually, I think I’m just going to let you plan.  I think you do just fine.”

Stuart squeezed her hand and then seemed to find his voice again.  “That next morning, my Bible reading was especially meaningful to me.  It was about Immanuel.”

“God with us.”

“Yeah.  And it was just a perfect reminder for me, right then.  I wasn’t alone.  We aren’t alone.  He will always be with us.  And that’s enough.”

The two finished the ride holding hands.  The silence no longer felt awkward or sterile.  It was warm and comforting.  They had a Savior.  That was enough.

———————————-

Woodstock was beautifully decorated for Christmas.  The hotel was like a storybook.  There was a big roaring fire in the lobby and festive trees at every corner.  The place was buzzing.

“I thought we’d go to that little church in town for the early Christmas Eve service,” Stuart told her.  “Then, I made dinner reservations at 6:30.”

Julia opened her suitcase and started to unpack.  “I don’t know if I brought anything to wear to church,” she bemoaned. She hadn’t dressed up in ages.

“How about this?”  Stuart was taking her burgundy engagement dress out of his suitcase.  “It’s Christmasy.  And it looks beautiful on you.”

Stuart wanted to walk to the church so they wouldn’t lose their parking place.  It was a little cold for that, but Julia decided not to complain.  It wasn’t far and it would be fun to peak in the store windows on the way.

As if God was smiling on them, a light sprinkling of snow began to fall.  “This reminds me so much of last year!”  Julia commented.  And just then, they reached the wooden covered bridge where Stuart had popped the question one year ago, today. 

It was still just as quaint.  The falling snow hadn’t started to stick yet, but it did make it even more romantic.  Julia was trying to find the words to say something more when Stuart interrupted her thoughts.

“Look at that dog over there.”  Julia turned to see where he was looking.  That was something they had noticed last year; everyone seemed to have a dog in this town.  But this time, she didn’t see one.

She looked back to see Stuart, down on one knee.  “Julia, I can’t imagine my life without you.  I believe God has made us uniquely suited to do life together as a family.  I love you and I always will.  Would you grow old with me?”

“Yes.”  Julia said.  Because, in that moment, she could think of nothing else to say.  But yes was not enough.  So she said it again.  “Yes…yes…YES!”  And with that, she threw herself into his arms.

And this time, he caught her.

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A Year Ago, at Christmas (Part 4)

Julia did not sleep, however. She did not sleep at all.  Her mind raced circles through life, looking for clues as to what was going on.  She didn’t want to believe Stuart was lying to her, but it was hard to conclude otherwise.  She felt guilty for not being a good wife.  She felt angry for being betrayed.  She felt bad about doubting him.  She felt foolish for believing. 

She refused to completely believe the worst; but she could not ignore that it was staring her in the face.  It did seem like Stuart was hiding something.  She knew him well enough to know that something was a bit off.

It was a long, long night.  She heard every tick of the wall clock.  Every dong of the hour.  She tried not to think about Olivia’s engaging smile and her cute, active kids.

Stuart slipped out early once again; but this time, Julia was up immediately upon hearing the door click.  She didn’t know what to do, but she could not lie by herself in the dark even a minute longer.

She went to their bedroom…still looking for clues.   She saw nothing except Stuart’s Bible—open by his bedside.  He read it every morning; no matter how early he had to leave.  Next to it was a small Advent Bible study.  Stuart had suggested they do it together, but Julia had never felt like waking early enough.

She glanced at today’s reading.  Isaiah 7:14, “Therefore, the Lord Himself will give you a sign: the virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and will call him Immanuel” (which means ‘God with us’).  This verse, written seven hundred years before Christ, was then mirrored in the Gospels, Matthew 1:23, “The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel” (which means ‘God with us’).

The devotional went on to talk about Jesus, the Son of God, being God’s presence with us.  It ended with Jesus’ words at the very end of Matthew, “Lo, I am with you always…”

Julia took a deep breath, but for once, she did not burst into tears.  Immanuel.  He was with her. Always. Julia felt an unusual sense of peace and continued to chew on that verse as she took a shower and went through the motions of getting ready for the day.  She had nowhere to go; but she had to do something, and this was a start. 

Somehow, in the next eight hours, she needed to figure out what to say and do when he got home that night.  And all she had was one, very difficult set of facts. Suddenly, that was not enough. They were always telling Olivia to call if she needed anything. Maybe she had had an emergency. She picked up her phone again.  She would not wait eight hours; She was just going to call him back and ask him.

But the phone was already ringing.

“Julia!”

“Oh, hi!  It’s Carrie.  Hey, I just wanted to say thanks again for last night.”

“Oh, you’re welcome.  I was happy to do it.”

“I know it wasn’t easy…and, I didn’t tell you this, but Ryan and Elizabeth are coming home tonight and Elizabeth is bringing her new boyfriend.  I had no clue how I was going to get everything done before they got here.  I haven’t wrapped a single gift…I haven’t even made a menu for Christmas dinner…and I really wanted to be able to spend some time with Rick…so…you were a godsend.” 

Julia could hear Malachi screaming in the background.

“You know, why don’t you let me come over again and help you some this morning?  I can watch the little guy while you grocery shop or wrap presents…or whatever you need.”

“Oh, Julia!  I didn’t call to ask…I really just called to thank you.”

“Well, it sounds like you could use a little help and I’m free for a bit.

“I-I-Honestly…that would be amazing.  Olivia has been helping me out some, but you know she and her kids went down to spend the week with her parents.  I’ve missed her help for sure…this little guy isn’t giving me a break.”

“Olivia is out of town?  Olivia Green?”

“Oh yes, her parents are in New Jersey or something so she drove down to be with them over Christmas break.  We’ve been feeding their hamsters until they get back.  That is, we are supposed to be feeding them. Last night, right in the middle of the concert, I realized I forgot for the last two days!  I was so sure they would die on our watch that I couldn’t stand it.  That’s why Rick was texting Stuart in the middle of the concert.  He said he would swing by there on his way home.  We knew he was someone Eric wouldn’t mind having the door code.  It’s so nice having friends and neighbors we can trust…that’s the beauty of this community…”

Carrie was still talking but Julia had heard what she needed to hear.  Olivia was out of town.  Stuart was at the Greens feeding hamsters. 

Tears.  More tears.  But this time, they were the gentle tears of relief.  Julia sank back onto the couch in disbelief.  What a crazy roller coaster the last twenty-four hours had been.  It was seared in her mind and already a blur at the same time.  All this drama because of screaming babies and hamsters.

Her phone buzzed a few times and then rang.

“Hey, honey.”  Stuart’s voice seemed happy.

“H-hi!”  She didn’t know how to respond.

“So sorry I missed you last night.  I was tied up until late.  But the good news is, I think we’re pretty much wrapped up with the project.  I should be home at the normal time today.”

“Okay.”  Julia had never been good with words; but at this moment, she was so far at a loss that she didn’t even try.

“You alright?”

“Well…just…didn’t sleep…well….”

“I’m so sorry.”  His voice was kind.   “I’ve missed you.”

“Missed you too.” 

“Sorry, it was even later than I thought last night. Rick asked me to go by the Green’s. Then, I talked to Eric on the way over and he asked me to double check and make sure Olivia got all the pipes drained before she left town. It’s supposed to be getting even colder these next few days and he doesn’t want her to come home to busted pipes.”

“I understand.” She choked. “No worries. Glad we could help them out.”

“Love you.” 

Julia was still exhausted and in something of a fog, but she left light and free as she once again stood knocking on the door again at Carrie’s.  It felt a little like déjà vu, holding the screaming, struggling Malachi again.  “Remember,” she crooned to him, “we talked about this.  You’re fed.  You’re changed.  You’re loved.  Life is good.  You have no need to cry.” 

Malachi screamed on.

“You’re a slow learner,” she told him–noting the irony of a 32-year-old saying that to an eight-week old.   Yesterday, she had been reminded of how good her life was; all the things she had to be thankful for.  But it had not been enough.  She had focused on the things that made her feel safe and secure.  Then she had learned those things could change in an instant.

This morning, she had been reminded of the truth.  The real gift of Christmas.  The fact that God came down to be with us.  Not for a moment.  Not even for a few years.  But always— even to the end of the age.  No one and no circumstance could take that away.  The knowledge that God was with her changed nothing; and at the same time, it changed everything.

She didn’t have to have it all planned out; and she didn’t have to kick and scream against the plan God had made for her.

Eventually, Malachi slept and Julia and Carrie were sprawled on the floor wrapping a pile of gifts.

“This is terrible.”  Carrie laughed.  “Every year I tell myself I’m going to scale back the next year…well…here we are.  But when your kids only come home once in a while it changes things.  There’s nothing like feeling like you’re losing something to make you appreciate it.  You know what I mean?”

Julia did know what she meant. 

“What are you guys doing for Christmas?”

Julia shrugged.  “I didn’t make any plans this year.  My parents are in California with my sister’s family.  We don’t typically get together at Christmas.  Stuart’s parents invited us to celebrate with them in St. Augustine but…it’s so expensive to travel and we didn’t know how I would be feeling.”

Carrie nodded sympathetically.  Julia felt a twinge of guilt.  Stuart’s parents had offered to pay for them to fly down to Florida for Christmas.  The real reason Julia had said “no” was prideful and petty:  She didn’t want to accept their charity; and she didn’t want to be the only couple present without kids.  She had given a definite no and Stuart had delivered the news to his parents graciously. They seemed to understand.

By midafternoon, Carrie looked around with a happy sigh.  “We did it, girl!  Time for me to leave for the airport and I think this place looks pretty welcoming, don’t you?”

“I hope you have a great time!”  Julia beamed.  “And let me know if you need me to…a…feed the hamsters or anything.”

Carrie laughed.  “Thank you, Julia.  You don’t know what a gift you’ve been,” she said, meaning it.

“You don’t know what a gift you’ve been,” Julia replied.  Meaning it right back. Meaning it even more.

——

Julia had just lighted a candle on their own table when Stuart walked in the door.

“I have dinner ready!” she announced, but he seemed more excited about an announcement of his own.

“I have a surprise for you!”  He was beaming.

“Oh?”  Julia was surprised already.

“We’re going to Woodstock!”

“W-w-what?”  Julia had definitely not seen this coming.

“Yes, it’s only about five hours.  We’ll go tomorrow morning and stay the night at the Woodstock Inn.”

“Stuart…are you serious?  That place has to be booked months in advance.  Especially at Christmas.”  Julia knew all about it from last year’s intense planning.

He was grinning like a kid.  “You’re not the only planner in the family, you know.”

“But…the money?”

“Don’t worry.  I told you I was working late this week…and I have been.  But not on base.  I’ve been helping with a bathroom remodel on the side so I could pay for this.”

Julia hadn’t seen him this happy in a long time, so she smiled too.  “Let’s go!”

Come back tomorrow for the fifth and final installment of “A Year Ago, at Christmas.”

Posted on by lgandre

A Year Ago, at Christmas (Part 2)

Woodstock, Vermont at Christmas

It was dark when Stuart slipped away the next morning.  Julia stayed under the covers.  The night didn’t seem to want to give way to light.  In fact, it seemed like it had been dark forever and winter had just officially begun.  Julia finally drug herself from the bed to the living room.  She plugged in the tree and just sat looking at it for a few moments.  It was a pretty tree…despite the pasty white lights.

She didn’t feel great.  But then, she never seemed to feel like herself anymore.  She had lost track of what was the disease itself, what was her body struggling to heal from surgery, what were the side effects of the meds, and what was in her head as the side effect of the side effects.

One year ago, she would not have dreamed that she would hear the word “cancer” come out of a doctor’s mouth directed at her.  When she had been snapping selfies in Paris and London, it had not seemed possible that in a matter of weeks, her world would come crashing down.

First, there had been the disappointment of being sent to nowhere, New York instead of Hawaii, as they had expected.  She had anticipated leaving her job, friends, family, and church, but thought she was about to exchange it all for a few years in a vacation paradise.  Oh, how she hated it when things didn’t go as planned. 

It wasn’t quite so difficult for Stuart because it meant being united with his best friend, Eric, whom he had gone to school with at West Point.  Eric was soon deployed though, leaving just Olivia and their three kids nearby and they were busy with school activities.

Then, there had been the crushing blow of going to the doctor with what she thought was morning sickness and finding out (after a forever long series of tests), that it was actually an estrogen-fed cancer that was going to rob her of her dream of motherhood. 

Life had never been the same since that moment.   Her body, they told her, would heal.  But her soul? She was sure her soul would never be whole again.

Here, away from everyone she loved and all the places that made her feel comfortable, she had sunk into a very great darkness.  The harsh New York winter had only seemed to this southern girl like a dramatic finale to the dreams dying inside of her.

Most days she managed to put dinner of some kind on the table.  That was about the extent of her daily agenda as her desire to go out, to meet people, and to build a life in Watertown seemed futile (past the effort that it took to manage her diagnosis, of course).  Cancer, it seemed, was a full-time job.

Stuart seemed to be home less and less and their interactions were less and less enjoyable.  She couldn’t blame him.  The medicines had wreaked havoc with her emotions.  Truth be told, she didn’t want to be around herself.  But in this, she had no choice.

The door bell rang.  Julia hesitated for a moment.  It was 10:00 am but she was still un-showered and without makeup.  Her sweats hung on her like a flag of surrender.  That was one good thing that came of all this—she had lost the stubborn pounds that her early thirties and Chandra’s cooking had delivered.

Julia decided to answer it, but by the time she got there, there was just a basket of goodies on the front porch.  The deliverer was getting back into her mini van—it was the XO’s wife.  Julia recognized her minivan from up the street, even though it was seldom there.  Carrie—Julia was pretty sure that was her name—was into everything it seemed.  Everyone liked her and was a little in awe of her.  She had stopped by and introduced herself right after Stuart and Julia had moved on base.  She had brought them dinner, in fact.

Carrie had put her number in Julia’s phone “in case she needed anything” but Julia had never used it, until now.  “Thanks for the goodies!”  she texted.

“You’re welcome!”  Carrie texted back immediately.  “Sorry I couldn’t stay.  I had a sleeping baby in the car.”

A sleeping baby.

Julia’s eyes filled with tears again.  Something she had always wanted.  Something she would never have.  It was so unfair.  It was too much.  This maddening cancer was the destruction of every plan she ever made.  Every hope she ever held. 

The tears began to fall.  Again.  Not silently.  Not slipping down her cheeks.  When Julia cried, she ugly cried. She cried in throbs and torrents.  She cried until she was red and swollen.  Her eyes got fuzzy.  Her head hurt.  She felt sicker than the sick that she usually felt.

And this had been the story of her life day after day for the past several months. 

The flights to Boston to visit the specialist there had added up quickly.  By the time they booked hotels and rental cars, the credit card balance had run up and showed no signs of coming down any time soon.  With Julia not working, it seemed like they were in a financial downward spiral.  Stuart told her not to worry about it, but she did.  Every day, every dime, she worried.  This was not the way it was supposed to be.

The phone rang.  It was Stuart. 

“Hello.”  Julia did her best to take the tears out of her voice, but there was no hiding them.

“Julia?”  Stuart sounded discouraged and Julia felt bad.  “Just checking on you.”

“I-I’m fine,”  Julia choked into the phone.  Fooling no one.

“I wanted to make sure you remembered I wouldn’t be home until late tonight.”

“Yes.”

“Anything I can do for you?”

Julia knew she would cry if she tried to answer…she weighed her options.  Cry.  Say nothing.  Hang up.  There were no good options.

Stuart waited a moment and then his frustration came out.  “I’m trying, Julia.  What do you want me to do?”

“There’s nothing you can do.”  Julia’s voice had more of an edge than she wanted.  She was trying to communicate that she understood and didn’t expect him to fix it.  But he took it as an insult.  A reminder that he was powerless against this mess cancer had made of their life together.

Stuart did what Julia wished she had done and said goodbye and hung up.

Then she cried again.

Her phone buzzed again but she didn’t check it right away.  It may be Stuart, still angry and trying to vent his frustration.  She didn’t feel like she could take it.  Or, perhaps he was sorry and begging her forgiveness.  She wasn’t ready to give it.

Stuart was right.  He was trying.  His mom was trying.  His friends were trying.  Several of their wives had periodically checked on her and even asked if they could come sit with her.  Eric’s wife, Olivia, had dropped by a few times but she and her cute children were a bit much at this moment.  Especially while the pain of childlessness was so raw.  

She suspected Stuart was somehow behind Carrie’s attempted visit.  He was pushing her to try to make some friends.  But for just a moment more, as trapped as she felt in her pain and aloneness, she couldn’t bear to step outside of it.  

The first year of marriage would have been challenging anyway.  Julia hadn’t known that Stuart woke up in the middle of the night and blew his nose like a foghorn.  Or that he loaded the dishwasher wrong.  Or that his method of matching and storing socks was entirely incompatible with hers.   He couldn’t say no to a request for money—a story only told by their joint account and credit card bill.  And he didn’t like some of her favorite recipes…a preference he had managed to hide during all of those dinners on the fifth floor.

But now that the hormone blocker had completely robbed her of her connection with common sense, those small things were driving a wedge and they seemed to be drifting further and further.  Especially when it seemed that there would never be a baby to tie them together.

Her phone buzzed again.  Julia checked it this time.  It was Carrie.

“Is there any chance you’re free this evening?”  was the first, unanswered text.

Then, “I hate to bother you, but it’s Rick’s birthday and I bought tickets to a Christmas concert a month ago.  Our sitter just cancelled on me because she is sick and I can’t seem to find anyone else this close to Christmas.”

Julia’s first impulse was a quick no.  But the longer she thought about it, the more she softened to the idea.  Stuart would not be home.  There was no need to cook dinner and no one to share it with if she did.  Carrie was always doing things for others—Julia knew that much.  She also knew that Carrie’s own kids were grown and gone.  Among the hundreds of other things she did, she took in foster kids.  That sleeping baby would have been one of those. She loved babies. Why not sit in Carrie’s house with a baby instead of here alone?

“Sure.”  She texted back.  “What time?”

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A Year Ago, at Christmas (Part 1)

Woodstock, Vermont at Christmas

Could it really be that it was only one year ago? 

Julia opened the package and was surprised when she pulled out a porcelain heart ornament.  She studied the happy couple forever memorialized on its front.  Her own eyes greeted her.  They were bright and shining.  You couldn’t see Stuart’s eyes in that particular pose, but his strong arms were engulfing her and his gaze was directed to the glittering stone on her left hand.

She had picked out the ring, of course.  They had made payments on it for months; in fact, he had worked a remodel job on the side over Thanksgiving weekend so they could get it paid off in time.  Julia had had her heart set on a Christmas engagement from the time she was a little girl.  Clearly, there were many Hallmark movies involved.

She had picked the charming town of Woodstock, Vermont.  Well, Stuart had officially picked it, she had just planned and hinted and planned and suggested.  If a light dusting of snow could have been scheduled, she would have done that too.  But it turned out that she didn’t need to; God had sent it as if to show His blessing on that happy Christmas Eve moment.  What a perfect day that had been.

Perfect doesn’t mean all went as Julia planned, of course.  Just like a gemstone needs a few imperfections here and there to show it isn’t a fake, those tiny flaws are what gives an engagement character and turns a simple event into a story.   

Stuart and Julia’s perfect engagement had had one especially notable mishap.  When Julia had turned to see Stuart kneeling in front of the iconic covered bridge, she realized that as many times as she had planned and dreamed of this moment, she had never figured out exactly what to say.   She had picked the background.  She had coached the photographer on what angle to shoot from.  She had even chosen the time of day based on the lighting and cloud cover.  And yet, she had not figured out what to say.

“Yes” seemed like far too weak of a response.  Far too common and ordinary.  But, for lack of options, she had said it anyway.  And, when words continued to fail her, she had followed it with another “yes…yes…YES!”  Then, because the only word she could think of still didn’t seem to be enough (despite being repeated multiple times), she had flung herself at Stuart who was rising off the nearly numb knee that had been so bravely placed on the icy walk.  It wouldn’t have been a problem except that Stuart, who was not expecting her to try to jump into his arms, and who was still awkwardly trying to obtain his balance, had slid on the ice bringing them both down with a mighty splat.

Julia’s burgundy dress and white fur shawl had tangled and twisted in such a way that would have made getting up difficult even if the walk had not been slippery, but there was no real harm done.  So, when the two had finally found their land legs, and when the ring had been properly placed on Julia’s fourth finger, they were both laughing.  They laughed about it for days afterward…the big ”yes…yes…YES!”    And then the epic splat.

Stuart was such a good sport.  Never had Julia been more sure of herself than when she gave that “yes.”  He was a squared-away Army captain.  Quiet and confident, healthy and muscular. He was good with people—especially kids.  Best of all, he loved Jesus and he loved her—even with her all her OCD intensity.  Yes, Stuart had been worth the wait.  The long wait.  That part of Julia’s life hadn’t gone quite as planned; but at 31, she still felt that there was time…just enough time to make her dreams of motherhood come true…three or four times over.

Julia pulled out her phone to glance through the photos of that day again.  Perhaps she should have picked one for their Christmas card.  The engagement photos were more Christmasy; but a wedding photo had just seemed more appropriate.  The wedding had been on an equally glorious day in May—a day that had been picked out long before the December engagement. 

The couple had tied the knot in Florence, Italy with a handful of family and friends.  Stuart had a full three weeks of leave and they had made the most of it—visiting many of the European highlights.  Julia had scoured many a travel blog and read every review until their plans had been refined and polished down to where to eat breakfast and when to catch a train.  They had spent some time at Lake Como, the Dolomites, and Rome before flying over to Paris and finally London. 

It was a dream wedding and a dream honeymoon. By the time it was over, their bank accounts were drained to dust, but alas, they concluded it was worth it.  They were both young and strong and willing to work to build them up again.

Julia noticed the time and glanced out the window to see Stuart making his way up the driveway.  There was no snow tonight.  Just a bitter chill that seemed to linger day after day in this dark, lonely place. 

Stuart had a shopping bag which he perched on top of the plastic tub of ornaments that was sitting on the floor.

“I got your lights.”  He saw the ornament she was holding.  “Looks like you got the package from my Mom?  She said she sent something for you.” 

Julia wrinkled her nose the tiniest bit.  She should have known that ornament was from her mother-in-law.  Stuart’s Mom was…hard to describe.

Stuart must have seen the look on Julia’s face.  “She’s trying.”

Ah, that was the word.  “Trying.”  Stuart’s mom was always trying.  It seemed like she was always trying to worm her way into things.  If there was one good thing about the assignment at Fort Drum, in northern New York, it was that it was a world away from Stuart’s parents. 

Julia nodded and made her way over to the bag he had set on the tub of ornaments.  Last year, she had decorated the tree immediately after Thanksgiving.  She was in a fifth story apartment in Fayetteville then and she loved to look up each time she pulled into the complex and see a square section of golden lights shining down as if to say, “Welcome home!” and “Merry Christmas!”

Her apartment had been full of good smells and sounds as she and her roommate, Chandra, baked their way through two issues of Southern Living and one of Magnolia Home.  Even with the knowledge that she had a wedding dress to fit, she had gained 5 pounds last December alone.  And that was without the sourdough bread.  Oh, don’t get started thinking about that sourdough bread, she told herself.

“These aren’t the right lights,”  Julia observed looking into the bag.  “These are the really pasty white kind.  They’re too…too…sterile.  Like were trying to light a department store.”

Stuart didn’t respond.  Julia wasn’t sure if he hadn’t heard her or if he just didn’t care, so she continued.  “I like the ones with more of a gold tone.  You get more of a warm glow.”

“Okay.  I got you.”  Stuart’s response was a bit testy.  Julia wasn’t quite sure why.  She was just trying to explain why they were the wrong lights.  She avoided reminding him that she had been specific as to what kind she wanted before he had left.

He did seem to understand, though, because after a moment, he replied, “that’s all they had left.  I went three places looking for the kind you wanted.”

“That’s why I wanted to order them.”  She reminded him.  “So you wouldn’t have to do all the running around.”

Stuart seemed even more annoyed.  “Look, exchange them if you must.  I wanted to have them tonight because I have to work late the rest of the week.  If we don’t decorate that tree tonight, we shouldn’t bother.”

Julia stopped.  Probably not a good idea to pick an argument with a cold, hungry man.  To his point, it was already December 21st.  And yes, he had told her he had a lot to get done so he could take off some time at Christmas.

She had already set the table and had been doing her best to keep dinner warm.  She quickly started pulling the pots off the stove.  Admittedly, it was nothing like Chandra used to make.  Last year, Stuart used to come join them for dinner most nights and a few Southern Living recipes may have made an appearance in those meals as well.  Julia loved to decorate almost as much as Chandra loved to cook and the result was some tables that looked like they belonged in a magazine of their own.  Those were some happy winter nights.  

Stuart’s mind must have been elsewhere too, because the silence hung between them for several minutes until they had said grace. 

“How was your day?”  Julia finally ventured.

“Fine,”  Stuart replied.  And then, as if sorry for his shortness, “How are you feeling?”

Julia felt a few tears welling up in her eyes; but she tried not to let them take over.  Stuart dropped his eyes down to his plate.

Silence again.

How much things can change in one short year.

Check back tomorrow for Part 2.

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Want more? Find last year’s Christmas story here.

Posted on by lgandre

Christmas Alone

Part One – Home for the Holidays

The party promised to continue for some time, but strangely, Patrick had the irresistible urge to sneak off and head home. He didn’t feel much like celebrating. 

He noticed Ben, the other “Best Man” collecting his wife and their flower girl daughter. They were headed for their car as well. 

The deed was done. Jeremy was married at last and Patrick’s face muscles were exhausted from the 2,000 photos he’d been subjected to. 

He waved at Ben before jumping in his Tesla and peeling out of the hotel parking lot. Ben had an obvious excuse for leaving early—two small kids and another on the way.

If Patrick needed an excuse to leave early, Marley was his fall back. Marley had been in a crate since 10:00 a.m. Approximately 2,000 pictures ago. Maybe even 12,000. 

Chances were, he didn’t need an excuse. No one would really notice or care.

The drive home was depressing. This event wasn’t a surprise; it had been on the calendar for a year. But now that both of his best friends were married, Patrick felt especially hollow. 

The red glow of the stoplight was innocent enough, but it reminded Patrick that Christmas had arrived. 

Today was December 22nd. Patrick should be in Maine right now getting ready to enjoy the holidays with his parents, sister, brother-in-law, and nephews. 

But no, he had elected to stay in frigid Denver for the holidays. Jeremy’s wedding had been the driving factor. Trust Jeremy to pick a highly inconvenient time to tie the knot. 

Originally, when thinking through his plans, it seemed like it would be too much to try to fly across the U.S. two days before Christmas. And besides that, Christmas had the audacity to hit on a Tuesday—super inconvenient for someone who couldn’t take more than a couple of days off work.

At the time, he figured it would be simple to just hang out with friends for a few days over Christmas and actually enjoy some rest instead of fighting his way through crowded airports, eating junk food, and risking weather delays during his few precious days of vacation. 

But right now, as the red glow of the stoplight changed to green, Patrick was regretting that decision. For a split second, he wondered if a ticket to Augusta could still be bought. Jeremy would be on his honeymoon in Florida. Ben had invited him over, but Patrick had heard enough of his evil mother-in-law stories that he fully intended to stay away from Ben’s house until the all clear was given on Thursday. Besides, it was always chaos at their house anymore. Gone were the days of kicking back and watching an entire Broncos game uninterrupted. 

There were other friends, of course. But most were traveling or spending time with their families. Some had invited Patrick to tag along. But he was tired of tagging along. 

So that’s why he would be alone for Christmas. Well, he and Marley would be together. Four-legged company is still company after all. 

Sunday morning Patrick willed himself to church for the late service. The sanctuary was beautifully decorated—unlike his stark house. But it just seemed to serve as another reminder that he was missing Christmas. Nevertheless, he dragged out what he could of his smile. It was still exhausted from the day before. 

“Merry Christmas!” Fellow church goers waved at him across the sanctuary. He waved and nodded. 

Mrs. Little bustled over and pushed a box into his hand that held promise of baked goods. Before he could get away, she had engulfed him in a giant hug. How he hated those squishy hugs. She was about as wide as she was tall and had a high drama personality that seemed to seesaw quickly between laughter and tears. 

Thankfully, he was saved by another acquaintance. 

“Do you have plans for Christmas?” Eric Cate asked him.

“Y-Yes.” He stammered. Not really sure what plans he was alluding to. Doing nothing, he told himself later, is a plan. 

He exchanged awkward greetings with Mrs Faber. This would be her first Christmas without her husband who had recently passed. Patrick wanted to be kind but he wasn’t good at thinking of things to say in the moment. 

As he navigated toward the exit, an idea came to him… it was something to do anyway. Patrick stopped at Home Depot. Since he purchased his home four years ago ago, the hall bath had been painted an awful, Pepto Bismol pink. It would seem that now was as good a time as any to give it a fresh coat of paint.

The momentary uplift of having a project to tackle dissolved after a few minutes of perusing the wall of paint chips. Patrick once again began to feel himself giving in to the funk that had been pecking at his emotional well being. 

Alone. He was trying to do this project alone. 

There were hundreds of colors. More than a hundred shades of the color white. Funny how little things became so big in moments like this. He did not know what to choose. He did not know who to ask. Jeremy and Anna were good with this sort of thing, but it didn’t seem like the thing to do to call friends on their honeymoon to ask what color paint to buy. 

He picked up a few colored pieces of cardstock. How hard could this be? Really. How hard is it to choose a neutral color to paint a bathroom?

But what if he didn’t like it? What if it clashed with the trim…the flooring…the other wall colors…?

This was why he was still living with Pepto-Bismol pink. In fact, this was demonstrative of why a lot of things in his life went the way they did. Thirty-two felt like a strange no man’s land between college and life. 

Determined not to be defeated by a relatively simple decision, Patrick grabbed a chip and headed toward the paint counter. 

“How can I help you?” A lovely voice asked and Patrick looked down. A cheerful reddish face was looking up at him. Her orange apron had the name “Betsy” in cute black Sharpie lettering. The “e” had been turned into a smiley face. 

“I-I’d like to buy some paint.” He heard come out of his mouth. 

“Okay. We sell paint.” She said with a laugh. “What kind do you need?”

“Uh. I don’t know.”

“What are you painting?” 

“A bathroom.”

“Okay, so interior. You probably want a satin or a semi gloss…”

Patrick felt himself being led through a series of choices. Type. Brand. Amount. Putty. Sand paper. Brushes. Rollers. Dropcloths. Soon, he was loading $120 worth of stuff into the passenger seat of his Tesla. But he had a small sense of victory. He had bought the paint. 

It was probably too much to expect two victories in one day. He did not actually intend to start putting paint on the walls. Truth be told, he had never painted a room before. He would never admit it, but he was intimidated to start. There may or may not have been a deep down hope that a secret paint fairy was going to show up in the night and apply the paint. 

But he did carry in his purchases and set them by the bathroom door. Marley was very proud of him and came bounding with his approval. Or maybe he was just anxious for a walk. 

Patrick checked his phone a dozen times. It was strangely silent. For the rest of the world, the holidays had begun. Other people were doing whatever it is they do on Christmas Eve eve. He kept fighting emotional gravity but it was hard not to feel very, very alone. 

He tried not to sound entirely pathetic when he talked to his sister and nephews a little later. But there was a slight choke in his voice that was difficult to hide. He blamed it on the brisk walk with Marley in sub zero weather. 

He checked flights again. The soonest flight he could get was tomorrow and the series of flights available would make it a 16 hour journey through Atlanta. It made no sense. 

He was stuck. The two days that had seemed like a great opportunity to rest and relax now seemed like a punishing sentence with a bathroom as a jail. 

How different life would be with a family of his own. Singleness was freedom and desolation all in one package. 

Patrick had made a few attempts in the past to find the right girl. It had felt a lot like those moments at Home Depot staring at the wall of paint chips, but with much higher stakes. 

That was then. Now, at thirty-two, there were not so many options. There was not a Home Depot for life. 

To be continued…